Wednesday, March 25, 2009


Despite some of my whining, I do try to keep things fun here. But today, I can't help but be a bit sad. I miss my mama. I lost her 6 months ago today.

She went into the ICU the day of my sister's wedding/the day after my own wedding (yes, we did back-to-back weddings. They were both very small--mine was the largest at 35 guests--and we wanted to make things simple for our out of town family. Plus, neither of us had ever wanted a huge wedding).

I miss her so much. She really was my best friend. It's a really empty feeling. I still "talk" to her all the time. I'm sure people would think I'm crazy, but it preserves my sanity. Despite my uncertainty toward heaven/the afterlife, I really do feel she's with me. I don't mean to be all "poor me", but it has not been easy. Adjusting to married life is trying enough. I should be a blissful newlywed without a care in the world, and these times are something I cannot get back. Our vows were tested from day one: "for better or for worse", well, the "worse" sure made itself known right away. Life as I knew it changed in an instant.

Whenever I see a cardinal, I think of my mom. She loved nature and would always point out "Mr. and Mrs. Cardinal" to us as babies. The morning she died, I sat out on our patio and was amazed at the number of them that had gathered in our yard. They now seem to appear just when I need a reminder of mom.

Let's hope it eventually gets easier. I know you never truly stop hurting, but I hope I continue to get better at dealing with it. It's a whole new "normal" now.

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